To Write Love on Her Arms

*In the spirit of honesty, I'd like to disclose that the title of this blog was stolen from a non-profit dedicated to shining light in a world that is all too often dark.* 

The genius of that title actually comes from a story of a woman, who during her struggle with drug addiction, depression and self-loathing, etched "fuck up" on her arm with a razor.  In attending a suicide prevention conference yesterday, I had the privilege of hearing the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms tell her story.  The thing that stuck with me the most about the story he told is that when she wrote "fuck up" on her arm, it was about identity.  So to write love on her arms, literally or figuratively, would mean that her heart had stopped identifying her as a fuck up and had started to love her.  Love of self would be born into her new identity. 

I think the reason that particular revelation resonated so deeply in my soul is that I am still on that journey from fuck up to love.  I've slowly made my way down the path and "fuck up" is distant from where I currently stand.  I'm much closer to "love" and it's definitely within my reach.  And while the path isn't perfect, I've made a promise to myself to continue stumbling, walking, running, crawling, whatever I have to do, toward "love."

When I was younger, I was always trying to please everyone around me and had never stopped to actually think about what I wanted, who I was, what I believed in, what I liked or didn't like.   I wanted liposuction because I thought my legs were too fat.  I hated my lips because they used to inspire my peers to ridicule me.  I was afraid to think for myself because someone had told me I was stupid.  Yet, where I stand today is a place of confidence.  It's a place where I can look at the magazine cover girls and want to eat an extra meal in their honor.  It's a place where I look at my lips and smile smugly because I didn't indebt myself to a plastic surgeon for them.  It's a place where I'm less afraid to say what I feel and why I feel it.  It's a place where I'm not just able to say what's on my mind, but I'm less apologetic for it.  It's a place where I know the things I like, will sometimes try things I think I don't, and will openly proclaim the things I  disdain.  It's a place where I'm learning more about myself and writing love on my arm each day; a place where I'm trusting God to continue leading my way.